Teenage Calamity

i just want to tell everyone that i am so sorry i didn't get to say goodbye. my grandfather had found one of my poems and i guess he just freaked and i was put on a plane friday afternoon 26 days before i graduated thankfully my grades were good enough that i didn't have to take my exams so i they will just mail me my diploma. i live in oklahoma city now. i hope everyone is haveing a good weekend ttyl meg

I AM SO FRICKEN TIRED OF THEIR SHIT! THEY ARE CONSTANTLY THERE REMINDING ME THAT I AM WORTHLESS! GOD I WISH I COULD TURN BACK TIME! BUT THEN WHEN WOULD I TURN BACK TIME BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD THIS SHITTY HAND OF CARDS THAT DESTINY DELT ME! I WANT A NEW DECK! I AM TIRED OF PUTTING A STRONG FACE ON I AM SICK OF SMILING WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS SCREAM! WAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO DESERVE HAPPYNESS? I CAN'T TAKE THIS I HATE THEM. I CAN'T PULL MYSELF TOGETHER LIKE I USED TO. I CAN'T HIDE THE PAIN LIKE I USED TO. THIS IS IT. THE WALLS ARE DOWN. THANKYOU TO MY SO CALLED FAMILY FOR ALL THE FUCKING SUPORT! THANK YOU FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING ME. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE ABUSE AND HATRED I AM SURE YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD TO DESTROY MY SOUL! I AM DONE WITH THIS SHIT!YOU WANT TO KNOW WHEE I HAVE BEEN THIS WEEK. I HAVE BEEN FALLING APART. I CAN'T EVEN GO 2 FEET WITH OUT TOTALY BREAKING DOWN. I THOUGHT BURYING MY PAST ALL THOSE YEARS AGO WOULD MAKE IT GO AWAY BUT NO IT ONLY CAME BACK AT THE WORST OF TIMES!

I am just so blah. Graduation is coming up and end of an era i am not sure i am ready to give up on my child hood i want to turn back time. my child hood was nothing wat i tought it would be. i feel like i missed out on all the fun things in life. i missed out on playing with my friends i missed out on all those silly school dances in middle school. i missed out n feeling loved. i wish i could go back in time a chnge it i don't want to say goodbye to the child who has been burried by grief inside my soul. it never got the chance to jump rope or play hide and go seek. and i will loose her forever. i am not ready to let go.

-cries- i live in hell -pouts- but i am moving out of hell in 37days !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sprawled on the ground,
One single sound.
A whisper in my ear,
You’re oh so near.
xxx
Crimson tears and Razorblade,
Is the punishment I forever pay.
Words and whispers in my mind,
Peace with death I long to find.
xxx
Abused, tormented, deceitful lies,
Confused messed up within my mind.
Spider webs so intricately woven,
Feel another wound open.
xxx
See the rivers now turn red,
See the blood upon my bed.
And then you notice my Razorblade,
That every night takes away my pain.
xxx
Weeping, Crying please excuse,
The broken, tormented thee abused.
Watch the blood gush and pour,
A final breath I’ll be no more.
xxx
But please forgive me I never meant,
All the things that came and went.
So just sit hear just one last time,
Because now I know, everything will be fine.

in a world of hatred i have learned one thing and that one thing has been enough to help me go on. that one thing was even if you are broken beyond repair even if you have been beaten raped and lied to you will always have control over one thing... your soul...this is the one thing they can't take from you and even if u have to hide and pretend that you have become like those whom you have hated so be it b/c if u let them take your soul you WILL become like them and there will be no turning back i won't let that happen i will not surrender my soul never! even with the memory of drunken hands all over me even with the vision of one of my one family memebers glaring at me and calling me a liar and a deciever they don't know what they are doing they are so caught up in hatred to see me the real me it is to late now for them to redeem themselves my life is officially in my hands and no one elses i have trusted to many ppl to willingly but that ends now!

i want to die to just fall off this earth please god just take my life show me mercy i can't live like this i am trapped in this hell i can't survive this please i can't stand it i hate these feelings take me home please god i can't live like this i can't who am i to make war against this devil who is inside me who takes the form of those that i love please KILL ME!!!!

I miss my mom it was just yesterday when judy showed me a few dresses for graduation but i could not concentrate because all i was thinking was i wish mom was here to help me. I wish my mom was here to go to honor roll ceremonies and just to talk to about all the things i am going through that i couldn't possibly talk about on the phone. I miss her so much. I never really thought about how hard it would be yeah i knew it would be hard but never in my life could i ever see it being this hard. To think she and the rest of my family are just moving in while i am here in florida going through hell at home no scratch that this place is not home for a home is a place where i feel loved and accepted. i am neither of those things here. I just want a friendly face i want to see my brother laying around on the couch sleeping and my sisters head attatched to the computer hell i would even like to see my dad yelling at me to finish cleaning the kitchen but most of all what i would give to see my mom sitting at the kitchen table at 5:30 am drinking coffee and hanging out with me trying to get ready for the harsh day ahead of us. :( i want my family back

sorry to jasmine and katie for not coming friday:(. i am having a fun time with my term paper for western civ. not really if anyone knows about martin luther call me lol. I am going to LOLHS prom i am excite i guess. i have abunch of friends over there so yeah it should be fun lol. I am going to colorado this thursday -jumps- i will come back in cruches because i will be learning how to ski lol. It will be fun hopefuly. and i love flying so it should be. well i have to go lots of things to do lol. btw mrs k about my presentaion could you email me my lit terms for it?

well i'm out

kinks

we have moved on to funny quotes this one by lily tomlin is quite funny i mean with graduation coming up i can really relate to it :)

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
:Lily Tomlin

why do we worship the clock so much when it is the clock that is forcing each moment to go by and eventually fade.


Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life.
:William Faulkner

Okay today was just exhausting this guy keeps saying he likes me but I have to ignore him b/c he is dating another girl and i rrreeeaally do not want to be the OTHER woman. I had a headache too :( I am just blah. not to mention judy is once again telling me i need to dress more sufficticated and she pretty much told me i looked like a slob this morning. well at least i don't look like her! i am sleepy to wow i am just comlaining about everything lol i should really stop. and to end this live journal with a very appropriate quote by robert frost "i can sum up everything I've learned in life with three words : it goes on!"

It is really hot :(

okay guys lately I have been feeling that I am not living I am merely existing. There seems to be no ending goal. Which is odd b/c graduation is only a few months away. But I mean what kind of life have I lived. I have never been in NHS. Not because I wasn't invited but because I never cared to do it. I was asked to be in little women but once again I decide not to do that either. My extra curricular activities are very lacking and now that high school is just about over i feel like I haven't done anything. Yeah I got good grades but I never joined any kind of club unless you count band. Other than the crimson blade this year has been the same. I mean I am always absent and I always feel sick it makes me dread graduation on ly b/c i have so many regrets.

I hate being sick! On top of that I have midterms today in both my college classes. This world has no sympathy for me -cries- I am so fricken tired I don't even know why I am goin to school today its not like we are doing anything that important! Other than the sencratic seminar. errrr I my head feels like it is going to explode and my nose is so conjested. I hate being sick!

there you go my journal entry for this week!

do you ever feel like your invisible? That no one can see you...or that they just decide you are not worth the effort to be seen. I had thought once that i was a noticible charater someone who did not blend into the wall but lately i find myself within the wall. It is like no one wants to notice me and as bad as it sounds my existence counts on whether or not i am seen for if i am invisble i am not actually reall. and that is my biggest fear. The fear of not being real. sometimes i have to pinch myself to make sure that i am still here. It is tiresome trying to be noticed b/c i never really liked gossiping i never really liked partying and i certainly don't care for the whole break the rules so i can get attention thing. So how can i make myself not invisible?

LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i now have money for college it is official my future is secure. I wont be one of those seniors who walk across the stage and say "now what" cause i know!!!! i am soo happy!!!!

This is a sickness that I can’t escape. There is no cure for it. It eats away at my soul…my heart. It lives in my mind. It is a memory that I relive every time I close my eyes. My mind is my own enemy. I can’t forget the hate I felt coming from him. I can’t forget the way he would hit me. I need to forget. I need a night where I don’t wake up crying. I need a peaceful dream that rocks me to sleep. I can’t remember a day that I felt loved. I can’t remember a day that I was truly happy. Hopefully now that he is really gone I can move on. I don’t know if I will but I have faith that now that he is gone something will change. Maybe I will just stop looking behind my shoulder expecting him to be there. Maybe I will stop flinching when people touch me. Maybe I will be able to be happy now. Maybe I can start to believe in love again. Hell maybe I will find love. I just need to escape from the sickness. I need to find the cure

I am sick of people punishing the things they create. Murders, Rapist, Robbers all of them were created by society. The way we categorize and group human beinnings is the cause of all these. Our own sick fantasies creates pedaphiles. A person didn't all of a sudden say you know what I want to rape little kids. No this practice has been around for ages! But you know what people are cruel they hurt others without a thought and they discriminate abuse and torture other people to the point that they pick up on our attitudes. They become who we are deep inside. They become monsters b/c we treat them like monsters. We expect them to act a certain way and when they act that certain way we punish them. WE CREATE THE WORLDS FAULTS. Society is me and you and even you! And because of our urge to group people together and force our expectations on others we inadvertaintly created those that we fear.